Feeling sorry for myself at midnight.

I've been stewing in self-pity lately. It's something I've gotten into the habit of doing lately, and as much as I try not to, I find it difficult not to feel sorry for myself.

I've been so incredibly lonely lately. And not because I don't have contact with other people, I do. I'm good friends with several people at work, I see them frequently, but I still feel alone. I don't have anyone here I can talk to; not like I did back in Atlanta. And I don't just mean casual conversation, I mean real, genuine, honest talk. It just doesn't seem to happen with anyone out here.

Then I go onto Facebook and I look at all my friends and their boyfriends or girlfriends and I envy their relationships. I've always prided myself on being someone who enjoys being alone, who relishes solitude. And I do, but being alone all the time really takes a toll on you. I want someone. Someone to talk to, someone who cares about me.

I even feel like I'm alone when I'm with my family. We all have our own things going on, and we sit and stew in them and deal with them on our own.

My self esteem has taken a serious dive. I look at myself and I think, "No guy would ever go for me." I judge my physical appearance constantly, it's unhealthy. I never did that until recently. I used to be completely comfortable with the way I look.

I'm so lonely. It's not a new thing for me. I've always felt lonely. I've always had to be the one to keep my true problems hidden. While everyone around me was airing out their baggage, I had to keep quiet. Because my loneliness wasn't "normal" in the eyes of anyone around me. My loneliness was sin.

I'm having a hard time. The only thing that gets me up in the morning is work. Work is the only thing that takes my mind off myself and my stupid bullshit. It's like novacaine. For eight hours, five days a week, I don't have to think about anything but work. It's depressing that its my solace.

I just can't seem to understand where this came from. I've always been comfortable with myself for the most part, I've always been ok with being alone. But now it's starting to take its toll on me.

Even if I'm not in a relationship, I'd at least like someone here I could open up to. Someone who'd understand. I don't think that's too much to ask...

I'm sitting up listening to upbeat music, attempting to convince myself that I'm content with how alone I am.

So

I haven't posted here in a very long time.

Is there anyone out there reading this?

Hello?


Hello?


Hel...........

I feel so bottled up. I want to burst! I need some sort of outlet, some sort of release.

Christ, I feel so trapped in my body I can barely stand it right now.

Not quite there yet...

The other day, myself and a coworker were stocking and shooting the shit. Somehow or another, it got around to the subject of women and at some point in the conversation I let these words slip: "Yeah, I'm not into all that." He turned and gave me a horrified look and demanded, "Dude, are you gay?" I was seriously startled, because aside from when my Mom asked me that same question, I'd never had anyone seriously demand that from me. So, I stumbled for a bit, then covered my ass by pulling out one of my tired old excuses. He then shrugged his shoulders and said casually, "Well, I don't care one way or the other. If you are, you are." So, naturally, I couldn't go back on the lie I'd already told without looking like an asshole, so I just let it slip.

It really got me thinking about how truly damaging being in the closet for so long was, because I still find myself trying to desperately to hide it from people. Which doesn't make sense to me because I've long since accepted the fact, I suppose it's just a natural instinct now to cover it in some attempt to seem "normal".

It just feels like I took a giant step back towards the closet, because that was a perfect opportunity to be able to say it out loud. I shouldn't have a problem with it. I've told my parents, most of my siblings, several of my closest friends. So why should it be a problem to say it to someone I barely know? Who gives a damn what they think? If they don't like it, it's no skin off my bones, right?

I tried to justify it by telling myself that he would spread it around the entire store, and everyone would know. Yet again, why does it matter? I've known those people for all of two months. Why should their opinions of me hold any bearing? I tried telling myself I didn't want him flattering himself by thinking I was attracted to him (which is the most obnoxious lie heterosexual men believe).

I guess I'm just not quite there yet. There are still several people in my life who I haven't told. People who are very important to me that I'm still too scared to tell. Because no matter how many people I come out to, the fear of that moment is still there when I try to do it again. The worry of how they'll take it. How it will affect our relationship. I don't think any heterosexual person will ever understand exactly how awful that feeling can be.

I guess I'm just not ready yet to face the hateful comments (though I have, inadverdantly), nasty looks, or the threat of physical harm to myself.

I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that... and no one should ever have to be.

I'm pretty sure two people who work at my store have crushes on me.

This one chick who is always staring at me and doing the shy thing whenever we interact

and

this one dude who is always touching me when I walk past him, winking at me, and who has also subtly asked me on a date twice.

Who knew I was so appealing? ;)

Movies I've seen recently

Clash of Titans - Entertaining shit.

Alice in Wonderland - Shit.

Hot Tub Time Machine - Funny, but shit.

LOTR Trilogy on Blu-Ray - Orgasmic, though the Fellowship didn't look as amazing as it ought to have.

Repo Men - Not shit, but too thin for its material.

I need to see an amazing, mind blowing film I've never seen before and SOON.

I'm tired.

Glee

Things I'm excited about upon Glee's return.

- Hello, Goodbye cover in the first episode back

- The Madonna episode. Not a huge Madonna fan, but it should definitely be interesting, and it won't be an episode full of Rachel and Finn solos. Plus, Sue's singing. Awesome? Yes.

- Idina Menzel, even though she can agitate me sometimes. But as a Renthead, it'll be fun to see her gleeking out.

- Kristin Chenoweth returning as April Rhodes. Hell yes.

- Kurt trying to get he and Finn's parents together in order to get closer to Finn. Pretty sure hilarity will ensue.

- Brittany and Santana. Ohhhhhhhhh yeah.

- No more fuckin' baby drama. God that got old.

- Lady GaGa cover.

- Neil Patrick Harris

- REGIONALS

I cannot wait for this thing to return!