I feel so bottled up. I want to burst! I need some sort of outlet, some sort of release.

Christ, I feel so trapped in my body I can barely stand it right now.

Not quite there yet...

The other day, myself and a coworker were stocking and shooting the shit. Somehow or another, it got around to the subject of women and at some point in the conversation I let these words slip: "Yeah, I'm not into all that." He turned and gave me a horrified look and demanded, "Dude, are you gay?" I was seriously startled, because aside from when my Mom asked me that same question, I'd never had anyone seriously demand that from me. So, I stumbled for a bit, then covered my ass by pulling out one of my tired old excuses. He then shrugged his shoulders and said casually, "Well, I don't care one way or the other. If you are, you are." So, naturally, I couldn't go back on the lie I'd already told without looking like an asshole, so I just let it slip.

It really got me thinking about how truly damaging being in the closet for so long was, because I still find myself trying to desperately to hide it from people. Which doesn't make sense to me because I've long since accepted the fact, I suppose it's just a natural instinct now to cover it in some attempt to seem "normal".

It just feels like I took a giant step back towards the closet, because that was a perfect opportunity to be able to say it out loud. I shouldn't have a problem with it. I've told my parents, most of my siblings, several of my closest friends. So why should it be a problem to say it to someone I barely know? Who gives a damn what they think? If they don't like it, it's no skin off my bones, right?

I tried to justify it by telling myself that he would spread it around the entire store, and everyone would know. Yet again, why does it matter? I've known those people for all of two months. Why should their opinions of me hold any bearing? I tried telling myself I didn't want him flattering himself by thinking I was attracted to him (which is the most obnoxious lie heterosexual men believe).

I guess I'm just not quite there yet. There are still several people in my life who I haven't told. People who are very important to me that I'm still too scared to tell. Because no matter how many people I come out to, the fear of that moment is still there when I try to do it again. The worry of how they'll take it. How it will affect our relationship. I don't think any heterosexual person will ever understand exactly how awful that feeling can be.

I guess I'm just not ready yet to face the hateful comments (though I have, inadverdantly), nasty looks, or the threat of physical harm to myself.

I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that... and no one should ever have to be.

I'm pretty sure two people who work at my store have crushes on me.

This one chick who is always staring at me and doing the shy thing whenever we interact

and

this one dude who is always touching me when I walk past him, winking at me, and who has also subtly asked me on a date twice.

Who knew I was so appealing? ;)

Movies I've seen recently

Clash of Titans - Entertaining shit.

Alice in Wonderland - Shit.

Hot Tub Time Machine - Funny, but shit.

LOTR Trilogy on Blu-Ray - Orgasmic, though the Fellowship didn't look as amazing as it ought to have.

Repo Men - Not shit, but too thin for its material.

I need to see an amazing, mind blowing film I've never seen before and SOON.

I'm tired.