The other day, myself and a coworker were stocking and shooting the shit. Somehow or another, it got around to the subject of women and at some point in the conversation I let these words slip: "Yeah, I'm not into all that." He turned and gave me a horrified look and demanded, "Dude, are you gay?" I was seriously startled, because aside from when my Mom asked me that same question, I'd never had anyone seriously demand that from me. So, I stumbled for a bit, then covered my ass by pulling out one of my tired old excuses. He then shrugged his shoulders and said casually, "Well, I don't care one way or the other. If you are, you are." So, naturally, I couldn't go back on the lie I'd already told without looking like an asshole, so I just let it slip.
It really got me thinking about how truly damaging being in the closet for so long was, because I still find myself trying to desperately to hide it from people. Which doesn't make sense to me because I've long since accepted the fact, I suppose it's just a natural instinct now to cover it in some attempt to seem "normal".
It just feels like I took a giant step back towards the closet, because that was a perfect opportunity to be able to say it out loud. I shouldn't have a problem with it. I've told my parents, most of my siblings, several of my closest friends. So why should it be a problem to say it to someone I barely know? Who gives a damn what they think? If they don't like it, it's no skin off my bones, right?
I tried to justify it by telling myself that he would spread it around the entire store, and everyone would know. Yet again, why does it matter? I've known those people for all of two months. Why should their opinions of me hold any bearing? I tried telling myself I didn't want him flattering himself by thinking I was attracted to him (which is the most obnoxious lie heterosexual men believe).
I guess I'm just not quite there yet. There are still several people in my life who I haven't told. People who are very important to me that I'm still too scared to tell. Because no matter how many people I come out to, the fear of that moment is still there when I try to do it again. The worry of how they'll take it. How it will affect our relationship. I don't think any heterosexual person will ever understand exactly how awful that feeling can be.
I guess I'm just not ready yet to face the hateful comments (though I have, inadverdantly), nasty looks, or the threat of physical harm to myself.
I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that... and no one should ever have to be.
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6 comments:
If anyone messes with you, I will get on a plane, fly out there, and kick all their asses. I got yo' back, brutha. :D
I may not be able to say that I completely understand, but I do a little. Telling my family and friends that I'm not a christian after 1) my parents spending thousands of dollars sending me to christian school for 13 years, and 2) being INSANELY religious back in the day and helping to convert one or more of my closest friends. And now I tell them I don't believe it anymore. It's like everything I ever told them was a lie. All those "spiritual" experiences we shared that I thought would bind us forever are now just awkward moments of psychosis... And almost the worst thing of all is the sickening pity. "I've been praying for you"... like they think they are better than me, or that I'm some sad, lost person searching for the truth.
Yeah, I think I can relate a little.
It's definitely not easy to admit something that you know people will judge and hate you for. Please know that you will have a friend here who will love you regardless of the choices you make in life- well, unless you make the choice to kill anyone in my family or do bad things to kittens... but I don't think you'd do that...
Hi,i do hope that you will soon find courage to tell the people who are close to you about who you really are ... acceptance of the people you care for is very important but that should not hinder you from becoming the person you want to be ... tell them then go on with your life and with the things you want to do ... acceptance is a process ... as long as you show them that you are happy with what you are becoming... they'll stay, that is if they really care for you, and for those who don't let them be, you are special and there are many people who would want to hear your thoughts =)
People who would judge you based on your sexual preference are not worth knowing. So, if you look at it that way, you actually have an advantage of finding out who is/is not worth knowing. Us hetero's sometimes won't find out for months that someone is a bigot, and by then you may have grown attached to them and it's quite the shock to find out they are so ignorant. You are going through a hard time, but know, there are people to support you, and they are the good guys.
I had a gay friend/flatmate living with me. We are all from India and I had never met a gay girl before. Honestly, when she told me that she is gay, I liked her even more for she was honest and so courageous. We became great friends and still are, there are hundreds of things we could talk about that I could not talk about with a lot of my other friends. It gave me a new perceptive.
So, my point is that don't be afraid, not all people will judge you or make fun of you and like someone once said, "no one can insult you without you consent". If you are confident and happy with yourself, then no matter what others say, you shouldn't care. You can only make others happy if you are :)
We all are there for you when u need us.
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