I've been stewing in self-pity lately. It's something I've gotten into the habit of doing lately, and as much as I try not to, I find it difficult not to feel sorry for myself.
I've been so incredibly lonely lately. And not because I don't have contact with other people, I do. I'm good friends with several people at work, I see them frequently, but I still feel alone. I don't have anyone here I can talk to; not like I did back in Atlanta. And I don't just mean casual conversation, I mean real, genuine, honest talk. It just doesn't seem to happen with anyone out here.
Then I go onto Facebook and I look at all my friends and their boyfriends or girlfriends and I envy their relationships. I've always prided myself on being someone who enjoys being alone, who relishes solitude. And I do, but being alone all the time really takes a toll on you. I want someone. Someone to talk to, someone who cares about me.
I even feel like I'm alone when I'm with my family. We all have our own things going on, and we sit and stew in them and deal with them on our own.
My self esteem has taken a serious dive. I look at myself and I think, "No guy would ever go for me." I judge my physical appearance constantly, it's unhealthy. I never did that until recently. I used to be completely comfortable with the way I look.
I'm so lonely. It's not a new thing for me. I've always felt lonely. I've always had to be the one to keep my true problems hidden. While everyone around me was airing out their baggage, I had to keep quiet. Because my loneliness wasn't "normal" in the eyes of anyone around me. My loneliness was sin.
I'm having a hard time. The only thing that gets me up in the morning is work. Work is the only thing that takes my mind off myself and my stupid bullshit. It's like novacaine. For eight hours, five days a week, I don't have to think about anything but work. It's depressing that its my solace.
I just can't seem to understand where this came from. I've always been comfortable with myself for the most part, I've always been ok with being alone. But now it's starting to take its toll on me.
Even if I'm not in a relationship, I'd at least like someone here I could open up to. Someone who'd understand. I don't think that's too much to ask...
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I love you, Bradley, and I've always loved and admired your honesty, and there are plenty of people who would "go for you" and who are crazy about you and your awesomeness. Just thought you should know that. Relationships are highly overrated by the way, and even in relationships you can still feel totally alone. Maybe you don't want to read this part, but that's the real reason why I cling to Jesus. Even through the times when I've felt lonely, worthless, and ready to jump in front of a moving vehicle, He's seen me out of those places. Even when I feel like I've done the thing that was the last straw to break the camel's back, He comes through and He's like, "Nope, you're gonna have to do a lot more than that for me to give up on you because you're awesome and I made you to be even awesome-er." He's usually more eloquent than that. Anyway, even though you wrote this a while ago, just thought I'd let you know that you're awesome, and you're still young, and there are awesome things ahead for you.
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